How To Inseminate At Home

A Guide for the Future Lesbian Family, or Single-Mom-By-Choice

(I’ve been teaching my second-grade class how to write a “How-To” book, so I’ll follow that format. I’m writing this because I have so many folks who find my site by searches, who might like to hear it. My most-viewed post ever is The Pros and Cons of IUI vs. DIY. So here’s a little DIY elaboration. I have to entertain myself somehow while waiting to go off birth control pills!)

You will need:

  • Good health insurance (optional)
  • A wad of cash or credit for sperm, or a really nice, disease-free donor, who seems like he’ll never get all weird on you and who doesn’t mind pleasuring himself at the drop of a hat
  • A medicine syringe (needle-less, used for giving liquid medicine to an infant) easily purchased at most drug stores
  • Fertility chart
  • This great book and/or www.fertilityfriend.com
  • A basal thermometer, ovulation predictor kits, speculum (optional… the speculum)
  • A good thermos
  • Hot water
  • A meat thermometer
  • Protective eyewear (cheap sunglasses will suffice)
  • Protective gloves (got any ski gloves?)
  • Some pillows
  • Some candles, wine, music or other romantic accoutrement (optional)
  • A towel
  • Some paper towels
  • A tray
  • A ridiculous and seemingly endless fount of patience

(Whew!) Read all the steps before you begin.

1. First, get to know your menstrual cycle well. This will take several months. Use fertility friend.com or Taking Charge of Your Fertility to figure out when you are ovulating. Read it carefully and be sure you know what you are doing before you spend any money on baby juice. Oh, and invest in ovulation predictor kits. Use them. They usually work.

2. Next, if you have the optional good health insurance, go to a reproductive endocrinoligist and get a fertility work-up. This will take one cycle. Be aware that she or he may tell you you have some issues. This step is totally optional, but I wish I had done it in the first place. For reals.

3. Next, ditch the RE.

4. When you feel secure in your understanding of your cycle, acquire sperm. Hopefully, you have found the source of your sperm while waiting the several months to figure out your cycle. Some sperm banks take quite a while to set up your account, so allow time for that and get it over with before you are ready to inseminate. My sperm bank takes two days to ship the baby juice from the time you order it. If you are using a known donor, let him know you’ll be needing his services soon.

4a. Inseminate when you get your first positive OPK, and again 8-10 hours later. The idea is that you should ovulate within 36 hours of the positive OPK. The frozen sperm lasts up to 24 hours. The fresh should last several days. So if you insem twice in the first ten hours, you’ll probably have sperm in you when the follicle releases the egg. If you don’t feel absolutely sure about that, you could extend it to 15 or 20 hours after, to make a bigger window of sperm. Window of sperm. Ha.

5. Set up a tray with paper towels, your thermos, and your syringe, and possibly a glass of water or green tea on it. Stack up some pillows near the center of your bed. Cover it with a towel.
The next few steps are for use with frozen sperm. Skip them if you have fresh stuff.

6. Heat some water to the exact temperature for thawing the sperm. (I believe it is 35 degrees Celcius, but check somewhere else… our sperm bank sent a paper with the temperature on it.) Measure the temp with your meat thermometer. Pour the heated water into the good thermos. Put a lid on it.

7. Take the sperm out of the liquid nitrogen tank. Put on your cheap sunglasses and your ski gloves first. Put the sperm vial into the heated thermos (keep it closed!) And let thaw for 10-15 minutes.

8. Snuggle with your honey or your teddy bear. Get yourself prepped for the insemination… as though you were having sex (or have sex… whichever you can.)

9. Once the thawing time is up, get the medicine syringe and extract the droplet of sperm from the teeny-tiny vial. I suggest you practice this beforehand with some other, far-less expensive liquid.

Ok, you can start reading again if you have fresh sperm. Put the fresh sperm into the syringe.

10. Lay back with your pelvis raised up on the pillow stack. You, or your partner, insert the baby juice syringe into your vagina. Get yourself worked up. Push the plunger. Try to have an orgasm. It is said to help the sperm get up inside you a bit further. Plus, it feels really good. Put the syringe onto the paper towel on the tray. Use extra paper towels to wipe the stanky stuff (I mean, baby juice) from your hands, if any got on.

11. Stay there propped up on the pillow stack for a while. We always stayed for at least fifteen minutes. I do know of people who rotated their bodies, like a chicken on a set-it-and-forget-it rotisserie. I prefer to sit still and snuggle and imagine the formation of our future child.

12. Clean everything well. Repeat steps 5-11 in 10 hours.

13. Spend the next two weeks trying not to obsess. Try to ignore every little twinge in your body. Good luck with that.

14. If this fails several times and you think you might die, call your RE back and read my archives. Get ready for trying to get pregnant at the doctor’s office! Hopefully, you will get pregnant the very first time and be spared lots and lots of drama and suckatude.

Disclaimer: I don’t claim to know what I am talking about. What works for some does not work for all. No. If it doesn’t work, I won’t pay for your lost sperm. My credit card is almost maxed out, honey. Sorry. Do read everything you can about this and get lots of opinions. This did work when my honey got pregnant. It did not work for me. Talk to your doctor. I wish you luck.

This post is dedicated to my good friend, DJ D Nice (or was it, DJ B Good?) and her future prodigy, Hurston. May you be bloated pregnant and suffering from sciatica quickly and without many two week waits.

43 Comments

Filed under LGBT, sperm shopping, TTC, Waiting and waiting and...

43 responses to “How To Inseminate At Home

  1. Heather

    I loved this!!! One may also choose insemination at home when married to a man with a pre-existing vasectomy and you don’t think reversing it 7 years after the fact is a good plan.

    FWIW – I put the sperm vials in my bra and warm them that way. I do let them set for a few minutes until all the frost is off of them before I put them in there though. Don’t want to freeze my assets!

    Really – I wish you had written this blog YEARS ago – when we got pg with our first baby. I was to chicken to try it at home then…

    GOOD JOB!

  2. I wouldn’t be able to do that boob thing unless I was wearing some crazy push up bra with lots of tape and stuff holding them together. But thanks for adding that tip for the not-so-cleavagly challenged!

  3. Awesome. You are hilarious! I absolutely LOVED reading this, and will follow your how-to’s this December with my girl. THANKS :)

  4. nelly

    meat thermometer. heee heee.

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  6. reproducinggenius

    Oh, I love this. I really, really love it. I don’t know why we haven’t ever thought to use a tray. We always have our tools all over the place. A nice organized tray would make me oh so happy.

  7. nethermeade

    You dedicated a post to me and my daughter to be! OK, so now I promise to post about my first actual crack at this business sometime in 2008. Jiminy Christmas, I pray that shit takes. Love ya & keep going for it!

  8. nethermeade

    And yeah, the name is D Good. I rocks w/o the J!

  9. Lord, I am a month late to this party.
    Wow. This was one great post. I’ll be sure to have this on hand today for my (I think) 11th try.

  10. MH

    I like this web, it gives me the nerve to try and do this at home. Also, the part about wearing sunshades and gloves to go into the nitrogen tank. I hadn’t thought about that!

  11. danielle

    If you are using fresh sperm should the donor ejaculate at home and then drive the sperm over? Thats what my donor did last month…I’m not pregnant now!

  12. julius

    This was really hilarious! We did it at home after spending 9 months with the fertility gurus, including 6 months on chlomid and got pregnant on the first try. Unfortunately my partner miscarried at week 10. Devastatingly sad, but we’re trying again. And this blog made me laugh hard after several days of exclusively crying. So thank you for that.

  13. Danielle

    Hey. I’m glad you laughed. Good luck tryig again! I bet this time will work out! I am still trying to get preggo! I am thinking about switching to a new donor….3 months NO go with this guy! I did find a donor that will be willing to donate but he lives about 2 hours away….so Im not sure how we are going to transport the sperm.

  14. Charlie

    Thanks! Am off on the crazy journey of surrogacy, so this will help!!

  15. Kristina

    I absolutly loved this! my hubby has a Snip 7 years ago, so not gonna do the reversal. so i cashed in a favor to a male friend. after reading the comments lol i made him ” donate” in my bathroom into a sterile cup. lol and off I went after that. on a funny note he left:

    baby batter Bake at 98* for 9 mos

    LMAO thank you all for making me feel better about this!

  16. Keysha

    Frozen sperm will only live 24 hrs is this true ?
    Is this once it is inside of you?

  17. kat

    perfect! this is exactly what we were looking for. we got freaked out when we read about cryogloves and protective glasses. we’re going to try this out hopefully TOMORROW! eek :)

  18. Dolores

    OMG that was hilarious.
    I”m going to start ttc in January/Febuary…and I cannot use my insurance since our employer excludes ANYTHING to do with fertility. So I had to go undercover and complain about my cycles. hehehe

    I love my new RE, and she quoted me a $900 price of everything..but think that money could be spent on sperm instead.

    I’m scared at all heck to do this at home alone. But others have done it…is it really THAT SIMPLE?????

    Dolores

    • Well, putting it in is simple. Making is work is a whole nother ball of wax. It took me eleven tries. 6 at home, followed by five with an RE. On the other hand, we did manage to knock up my honey at home, so who knows? Good luck. May you only have to do whatever you end up doing once (or twice.)

  19. sandy and claudia

    thank you somuch love your story will trin dec this will help alot

  20. Jess

    So today was my first try to inseminate. everythig was going great, until I began to climax and all of this fluid came bursting out as if I were female ejaculating! instead, it was baby juice i’m sure since this has never ever happened before. is all hope lost on that one? I have a second specimen, but I’m worried that this will happen again. any advice?

  21. glow

    Try climaxing first then insert the sperm. I tried this method two months again and now we are expecting!! I also laid down on top of pillows to raise my pelvis for two hours just to make sure the baby juice did not escape. LOL this may seem funny but works great!!

  22. The pillows are key. Ummm, maybe my advice would be to not get so very excited? Uh. Sorry. Not very helpful.

    I’ll also say that sperm was spilled in both my attempts to impregnate my partner and in hers to impregnate me. You have permission to cry over such a spill.

  23. WanttoBMoms

    Great easy How to instructions. My wife n I are just starting out. Suggestion to single women or Lesbian couples: Put an ad (ex. CraigsList) for free sperm donations. You’ll be suprised at the response. We’ve had over 30 males respond so far with only a few wanting monetary compensation and of course ur occassional weirdo. It beats spending a couple of hundred for each lil vile!!!

    • caseyvt

      Outstanding job, ladies! Now about some of these comments.

      I took “Assisted Reproduction and Law” in law school, taught by the head doctor of an ivy league A.R.T. lab, and here’s what she said: PLEASE, do not do the craigslist crap because you can pick up diseases a donor has.

      Also strongly, strongly caution against “known donor” helping you out. You wouldn’t believe the legal horribles that can result (especially for same-sex couples). He can pipe up years later about his ‘fatherhood’ rights and get half custody. Awful. The only good reason for it is if it is a family member of your sweetie, because you want a resemblance. Even then, spend a hundred bucks to get a lawyer to draw up a contract, just in case they get religion or find your child so adorable they want it.

      Look, just stop dining out, go work some overtime, have your family chip in for a group gift, recycle cans, garage sale, whatever, and just get the sterilized, pre-checked healthy sperm at a bank. California Cryogenic is what I use. It’s $450 to $650. It’s not cheap, but safety, health and legal peace of mind is worth a lot more than that.

      And remember kids, personality is inheritable to some degree. What kind of guy is on craigslist looking for excuses to masturbate and ship his magic through the mail? A guy who is single for damn good reasons, and likely unhealthy, unattractive and unemployed/unemployable as well. Go a bank and get a donation from the guy healthy and stable enough to be working on his engineering degree and playing on the soccer team, who is young and poor and needed a couple hundred bucks for the semester.

  24. I just want to respond to WanttoBMoms. Most couples enjoy the idea (in spite of the cost) of having the donations screened in some way by a sperm bank, or by using somebody they know and trust. I know you are not allowed to sell genetic material on craigslist. Is it actually allowed to give it away? Fascinating. Let me know how it works out.

    Keep in mind that if you use a known donor who you don’t really know, you’ll want to look into the legal ramifications. If he decides he want to keep his parental rights when the baby is born, depending on where you live, you may not have much recourse. Of course, any known donor can do this, anyway. Why does it have to be so freaking complicated?

  25. Hi,

    This is the great knowledge for today! I need to add your site to my favourite.

    Thanks again for your help :)

  26. mama2B

    Dear Oneofhismoms,
    I was wondering how much money have you spent on “baby juice” since you started inseminating yourself at home?
    Thanks,
    mama2B

    • Hmmmm…. I think maybe a million, trillion dollars? Maybe. No really. When TTC my honey at home it was maybe $700 because we ordered two vials each time and it only took her two months once we stopped using the known donor/biotranz combo. And sperm was cheaper back in the good old days. With me…. I only tried 5 times at home. But I don’t know how many times I just ordered one, or two per month. I can’t even remember, but it hovered around $700 a month, if I ordered two vials, including shipping. It got more expensive once I started using the doctor because we needed washed sperm.

  27. Denise Hill

    omg I so needed this, me an my husband are looking into sperm banks, and I find one that I like and he looks and he likes, we both sit and google it together and find so many negitive comments. He had a vasactomy 8 years ago, and it would be well expired by know, We wanted to do it at home, but all the clinics that I find want the tank to be sent to a clininc. And I am asumming that is even more money there. And we kinda wanted to do it more quitely an not let the whole town know. After so many days not seening much light at the end of the tunnel seeing ur post made me smile and think that if we can find a private donor then we can do this together. :) again thank you so much. Hope the best for u and ur honey.

  28. Very lovable post and gives us some information really precious!

  29. Pingback: Inseminate myself | FireWaveDesign

  30. Kolaughl

    Just wanted to add: NW Andrology is $169 shipping and $250/ vial washed or unwashed. And, they’ll ship to your home without a Dr’s consent.
    I’m using them, GREAT service!
    Love the site!

  31. luvmybabiez

    My wife and i have tried twice and no baby…but i read somewhere else and it was kind of diff…this makes more sense…i have one question is it true that i have 3 mins to put the stuff in my wife before the sperm dies? we are going to try using these methods hopefully soon we will have number three!!!

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  34. lesliebunch

    wow crazy but i will try this with my girl she loves the idea and you made it so simple and clear … it wont hurt to try and we have fresh sperm here we go

  35. lesliebunch

    when is the best time to inseminate the sperm before your period or after?

    • Ok. Fresh sperm will be helpful. But to minimize stress and the wasting of people’s time, I suggest you read up to find the most optimal window of time for the insemination. I highly-recommend The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception by Stephanie Brill.

  36. Trying

    We just did this this afternoon, I was aroused at the time but didn’t orgasm (the nerves were getting to me). Our donor “donated” at our house and we inseminated a few moments later. I layed with my pelvis elevated for about an hour. My partner and I later had sex once the awkward situation had past and I layed with my pelvis elevated for another half hour afterwards. This is my 2nd time my first try worked but I miss carried. FINGERS CROSSED

  37. Holly

    My husband and I have been TTC for almost 9 years,with no luck. My husband has a very low sperm count of 1 million per ML. We have been trying this method with a known donor, we have tried 2 cycles. I’m on CD 23 and usually have anywhere from 28-32 day cycles.so fingers crossed. we want nothing more than to be parents to a healthy beautiful child. baby dust to you all and good luck!

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