Monthly Archives: February 2009

More Things My Pump Says

Right now my breast pump is saying:

Beelzabub, Beelzabub, Beelzabub, Beelzabub

It has also recently said:

Double trouble, double trouble, double trouble

Get outta here, get outta here, get outta here

PS  Trucker, I know I owe you a seven month letter but I’m too busy chasing you around to write it.  I will though.  I promise.  Before you turn 8 months.



Filed under b00b food

Two Week Wait Advent Calendar — Week Two

You are over the hump.

Now, of course, it is getting really hard to stop obsessing.  You keep going on line and searching for “early pregnancy signs.”  It keeps saying the same things.  Stop that.  Please.  Having symptoms isn’t going to make you any more or any less pregnant, my dear.  And honestly at this point, you probably would not really be feeling any of them.  Here’s a little something to keep your mind off things.  Or at least to try to keep your mind off things.  Mmmmmwwaah!

Day 8: You are more than half-way there.  Think outwardly.  Spend your waiting time helping out some other folks, why don’t you.

Open the door.

Day 9: This one is for your honey.  If you don’t have a partner (you, go SMBC!), this one is for whomever it is you’ve been obsessing to for the past nine days, or nine months, or nine years.

Open the door, oh most valuable friend and/or companion.

Day 10: Do not, I repeat, do NOT take a pregnancy test today.

This day has two options.  For those of you who want to think about babies and have some positive visualization, open this door.  For those of you who keep saying to yourselves, “Baby?  What baby?  I don’t know nothing about no possible baby.” Open this door.

Day 11: Step away from the pee stick.  I mean it. Go grocery shopping or something productive for goodness sakes.

Open the door.

If you are now, or in the future, planning on having a second child, (Hi, J!) open this door, then open this one.

Day 12:  You are so close.  Take a deep breath.

Open the door.

Day 13: For the love of all that is sane, give your pee sticks to a neighbor, or put them in a safe deposit box until tomorrow.

Open the door.

Day 14: I don’t know what to do here. Just go pee on the stick and tell me what it said.  I can’t wait any longer, either.

I hope hope hope the wait was worth it this time.  If it was not, I can say only this:  the single most important quality I have as a parent and educator is patience.  You are doing the work of cultivating a huge amount.  Keep trying.  I’ll make more of these calendars if I have to.  If you are pregnant, guess what you have to do now?  Wait some more.  But it is a happier waiting.  Though perhaps no less stressful.

Love you, oneofhismoms


Filed under LGBT, TTC, Waiting and waiting and...

Two Week Wait Advent Calendar — Week One

A little present for all of my TTC friends.  Only open the door on the right day of your wait, now. MMMMwaah!

Day 1:  You had your insemintation.  You tried to remember every detail,  even if this is the ten zillionth time.

Open the door.

Day 2: You are determined to not notice a thing about how your body feels different than when you have not had an insemination.  You are doing a good job so far.  Yet part of you can’t help envisioning what is going on in your fallopian tubes.

Open the door.

Day 3:  Is it really only day three?  Think about something amazing that might make you happy.  (If you are me this does.  It isn’t perfect, but it makes me happy.)

Open the door.

If that doesn’t make you happy, at least this must.  Open alternate door for day 3.

Day 4: You are almost to the end of the first week.   Take your hands away from your bo0bs!  Stop the squeezing.  They hurt because you are squeezing them too much.  Or maybe it is the progesterone… Put your hands on some real cupcakes.  And go see a movie.  Have you noticed I miss going to the movies?  (Sorry this one is not gluten-free.)

Open the door.

Day 5: Go on a date with your honey.  When you do have your baby, you won’t get a chance to go out so often.

Open the door.

Day 6: You feel surprisingly calm.

Open the door.

Day 7: Perhaps something shiny will distract you from noticing every little twinge.

Open the door.

You are finished with week one!  You totally rock.  Stay tuned for my second installment. XOXO!


Filed under TTC, Waiting and waiting and...

Behind Door Number 2…

I got a kooky idea.

I was thinking about my friends Dakota and Mulberry, who are just beginning yet another two week wait.  I wanted to somehow make it celebratory, rather than stressful.  I know.  You can’t just do that, as evidenced by the terrible “Have a Happy Period” commercials.  But still.

How about we make a TWW advent (w/o the religion for those who can live without it… with for those who can’t) calendar?  That way, the 14 odd days counting down could be a little fun.

Day one should have a feather.  Hope.  Hope is a thing with feathers.

Chocolate should be involved.  Perhaps something to protect one’s boobs from too much investigational prodding.

What do you think the other doors should have?


Filed under IUI, TTC, Waiting and waiting and...

Facebook Ate My Blog

What can I say?  I have 192 “friends” at my beck and call from my very own livingroom.

But I still love you guys if you still love me.

I’m pretty sure my breast pump sucks out braincells.  Just a few per ounce, but it is starting to add up.

The breast pump also talks.  Sometimes mine says funny things, considering what it is doing.

Sometimes it says “double, double, double, double…”

The one at work says “loop hole, loop hole, loop hole…”

What does your breastpump say?

If you aren’t pumping, what would your pump say if you had one?


Filed under b00b food

The Bitter Battle of the Noise Note

It was a passive-aggressive battle.

Someone in my 110 unit co-op apartment building in Brooklyn has been a little frustrated with noise during the day.  So this anonymous person took it upon his or her self to write a preachy note in ALL CAPS suggesting people take such actions as removing their hard-soled shoes upon entering their apartments (we do), keeping their voices down because the walls are thin (they actually are not), etc.  Before each bullet on her (I’m just going to assign the gender I think it probably is…) ALL CAPS list, she wrote “(always).”  Just like that, in parentheses. I know I over-use them, but at least I use them correctly.  The final item of her list is the one that bothered me the most. It said people should “NOT ALLOW THEIR CHILDREN TO RUN OR DROP THINGS.”  I know we don’t have a yard and it is 20 degrees outside, honey, but I’m going to have to ask you to sit still in this chair, lest you disturb one of our neighbors. It is 11 am, after all.  Sorry, son, you are not allowed to drop anything. Let me just tie your arms down, so you won’t be tempted to pick anything up. It really annoyed me.  Naturally, I took it down.  She put another one up.  Other people took it down.  She replaced them.  And every time I came home, I would get red-faced mad just looking at it.

So I wrote this and hung it up next to her note:



Dear Peace,

First and foremost, in the age of email, writing in all capital letters is akin to SCREAMING.  I doubt if you wrote a note like that, you would achieve the desired effect.  It may even rattle or offend your neighbors.  Secondly, if you do not sign your name, nobody will know who is having the noise issue.

The most productive and polite way to deal with a loud neighbor, is to speak with them face-to-face.  If that does not work, check your house rules.  Most big co-ops require members to keep the noise down after 10 pm, but to be respectful of their neighbors within reason during the day. They also usually require an 80% floor covering, to keep the noise between floors to a minimum. If face-to-face does not resolve your issue, a note will probably not do the trick.

I hope you find at least some of the peace and quiet you are seeking.


The next day, both notes were gone.

I knew that my MA in creative writing would come in handy one day.


Filed under nothing at all, NYC What is it about you?