Category Archives: sperm shopping

Different Donors

My sons have two different donors.  Different donors, different biological mothers.  In effect, they have no biological connection.

They are brothers, for sure.  Cakie is learning everything he needs to know about how to be a child from his willing teacher, Cake.  I don’t need to argue here at all about the fact that they are brothers.  They are being raised by the same two parents in the same way in the same house.

One of them looks a little like Obama.  The other resembles Desi Arnaz.  One is a tall skinny muscular reed.  The other is a truck.  Despite my efforts in selecting a second donor, the boys do not look alike at all.  One might argue that many biological siblings do not look alike.  True.  They do act alike in many ways.  They have the same very very high energy level.  They both love to play outside. Trucker is far more into trucks and balls than Cake ever was.  Cake likes music and cooking and superheros.

I wonder what will happen when they learn that they have different donors?  I worry that it might cheapen their bond.  It may make them angry at us.  As though we carried on some type of charade.  Or that someone else will discredit their relationship as siblings.  I worry, too, what will happen if either one tries to find their donor.  Already, Cake has two donor siblings on the registry.  Little girls.  I haven’t paid the fee, so I have not contacted the parents yet.  But I know they are there.  And if Cake wants to find his donor and he cannot, I can offer up these half-sisters.  There are no siblings on the registry for Truck.  Could I pay the fee and put up a profile?  Yes.  Maybe that might make one come out of the woodwork.  Maybe not.  What if one of them has a donor who is willing to meet them or even have a relationship once they turn 18?  While the other has a donor who has passed away, or worse, doesn’t even want to talk to him? I don’t worry about these things constantly or anything.  They just, every once in a while, pop into my head.

When Cakie was conceived, there were no open donors.  It wasn’t a thing the sperm banks had convinced anyone to do yet.  So when it was time to choose a benefactor for Trucker’s egg, I also chose a closed donor.  It did it on purpose.  I signed a paper stating that I would not look for the donor.  I did this knowing that the baby didn’t sign anything.  And if either of them want to look, they will have my blessing.  And if I happen to stumble across a photo of a man that is his race, his height, his weight, his age and has long curling eyelashes, while I’m randomly trolling California acting agency websites for no particular reason, so be it.

My biggest goal is to handle all of this with grace.  I want to teach my kids that our family is one made from love.  Love that is stronger than a spiral helix.  It is like a triple-mega spiral helix made out of steel.  Yeah.  That sounds good.



Filed under family, my second son, sperm shopping

The Donor Mark

My son has the likes-to-watch-sports gene.  He did not get this from me.

I don’t plan to point things like this out to my kids.  There’s this unspoken fear of the moment when we will need to address the fact of the donors in our kids lives.  There is also this urge to pretend since we don’t know who the donors are, that we can make them go away.  Part of me wants my honey and I to be the only important people in the creation of our kids.

The other part of me knows that the donors are important.  Not only are they important, but I feel like even though I don’t know their names or their adult faces, I feel like we live with them.  We know them better than we know our good friends.  I’m so glad for them.  I’m so glad for whatever circumstances lead to them walking in to the cryobank, filling out all of those forms, walking uncomfortably into a little room and producing for us the ingredient that would eventually become our sons.  I am confident that wherever he is, Trucker’s donor is either thinking about throwing or actually throwing a ball.  Cakie’s donor is charming someone at this very moment.  I’m sure of it.

The discomfort comes from knowing that the donors are a question mark.  Will the boys be driven to try to identify them?  If they do find them, will these men disappoint my sons?  Since I have two different donors, will the boys have two uncomfortably different experiences surrounding their donors?  I am sure that they will want to know them, even if we down-play their role.  Once they take a biology class and see the fruit flies and their eye colors,  once they read a study on identical twins, or venture into my grandfather’s meticulously researched geneology of his side of my family, they will want to know.

I know this.  But I wish I could take that donor question mark and stretch it straight into an exclamation point.  A sure statement, showing a strong emotion.


Filed under family, IUI, LGBT, my second son, my son, sperm shopping, Trucker

Happy Birthday to….

…my blog!  And my mom!

I won’t say how old my mother is.  She looks almost as young as me and her spirit is that of a twenty-year-old while I still sometimes trip over into worried grandma mode.  So happy happy, My Mama.

My blog is one year old today.  I thought I’d do what I’ve seen some folks do before.  I’ll give you my favorite posts by month.

One year ago I was getting impatient with trying to get pregnant at home.  I was a lot younger, I feel, than I am today.  Not in a good or bad way.  I just feel like a lot has happened in a year.  I decided to blog about it.  I think it was a good decision.  This blog and the folks who read it have become an important part of my life.  Though I’ve managed to pis$ some people off (including myself) with the blog, overall I’m glad I decided to show what I own.

In May I went to my first appointment with Dr. Mug– the man who eventually knocked me up, so to speak.  One post that comes up a lot from May was about how my neighbor and I were both on Clomid, so we called ourselves the WonderTwins.  For some reason beyond my ken, there are folks–lots of them– who want to know if Clomid will give them twins, or more nuttily, how they can get twins by taking Clomid.  So they google “Clomid Twins” and come up with that blog  entry.  But my favorite post from May was about Biology.  I had run out of my Cakie donor sperm.  I mused about why biology seems so important to so many of us.

In June I wrote my most popular post ever.  It gives me an ego boost, my dears.  And it really makes me happy that I’m writing my book finally.

In July I found my babydaddy…er — donor.

August found me driving back and forth from Wildwood, NJ to Manhattan several times while on “vacation” to get my blood-tests and an IUI.  Then, I soon found out that just because I act like a martyr, does not mean I get to be a  pregnant martyr.  You guys cheered me up.  Thanks for that.

September was a little crazy.  I did my first round of injectionables.  The timing was off, so I only had one good egg.  In other words, I gave myself an injection in the stomach every day for two weeks for no reason at all.  Then I got even crazier and became conVINCED I was pregnant because my b0obs hurt.  I mean, they hurt just like a pregnant lady’s b00bs hurt.  Now I know.  So I was walking around as though I were pregnant, touching my belly, talking to the “embryo,” etc.  Of course when the blood came that month it was a really bad scene.  I was cheered up, however by the arrival of a certain blessed star.

October was a very lucky month indeed.  Egg met sperm at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  How cool is that?

I didn’t find out about the eggy/spermy rendezvous until November.  It was weird.  I didn’t really want to tell people, once I knew for sure and I had gotten the pink ghost and the beta.  But you all were checking and checking and checking, so I had to let you know.  That’s when I pissed myself off. I’d blogged myself into a corner, so to speak.

This post is taking about a year to write.  I need to go lie down.  I’ve covered the TTC portion of the year.  Tomorrow I’ll write part II about my pregnancy.

Thanks for reading.  Have some cake.


Filed under blogitty blog blog, First Trimester, IUI, LGBT, My Book, NYC What is it about you?, sperm shopping, the big guns, TTC, Waiting and waiting and...

Come In On Saturday…

… but don’t bring that sperm with you!

Doctor’s orders.

He doesn’t trust a sperm bank that won’t get certified to ship to New York since New York City has the highest concentration of sperm-buyers (who knew?)  That’s nice and sensible.  But it doesn’t help foot the over-a-grand bill for some dude’s spooge I’m going to have to pay.  I mean, if I were married to a guy, would his sperm be certified in New York State?  I think not.

I won the gold medal for arriving to the doctor’s office first again.  I got to school before my non-morning program kids.  They didn’t even know I was gone.  And since I had been up since 3 am (pretty much) because Cake woke up at 3 am and I couldn’t get back to sleep, I had one of those mellow sleepy days in which I don’t actually sweat the small stuff and I cry during the read aloud.   I kind of like those days.


Filed under IUI, sperm shopping, teaching, the big guns

Inter-state Sperm Update

The sperm bank will ship to Jersey. Now I need to find a person in Jersey who’s willing to accept a stranger’s sperm on their doorstep. The siblings have been notified.

I also need to see if my doctor will be willing to do the IUI with said sperm. He might be legally required to use sperm from a NY state-friendly bank.

My TTC doula gave me my first shot last night. She’s good. I think she should quit her day job. It only burned a little.

A stanger’s sperm on your doorstep… eeeeew.

PS.  I just heard from my sister.  I’m just going to copy and paste her entire email message here:

BRING ON THE SPERM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Filed under family, IUI, NYC What is it about you?, sperm shopping, the big guns

That’s It! We’re Moving to Jersey…

The freaking cheap sperm bank won’t ship to New York. AAAAAaaaaarrrrrrgggh.

So I’m asking them if they will ship it to my “second home” in New Jersey. (My brother’s house would be my second home.)

I don’t know if my doctor will be allowed to let me use it with him, though. This is infuriating. Then again, these days a loose button on my shorts and a line at the ice cream truck are also infuriating.


Filed under IUI, NYC What is it about you?, sperm shopping

How To Inseminate At Home

A Guide for the Future Lesbian Family, or Single-Mom-By-Choice

(I’ve been teaching my second-grade class how to write a “How-To” book, so I’ll follow that format. I’m writing this because I have so many folks who find my site by searches, who might like to hear it. My most-viewed post ever is The Pros and Cons of IUI vs. DIY. So here’s a little DIY elaboration. I have to entertain myself somehow while waiting to go off birth control pills!)

You will need:

  • Good health insurance (optional)
  • A wad of cash or credit for sperm, or a really nice, disease-free donor, who seems like he’ll never get all weird on you and who doesn’t mind pleasuring himself at the drop of a hat
  • A medicine syringe (needle-less, used for giving liquid medicine to an infant) easily purchased at most drug stores
  • Fertility chart
  • This great book and/or
  • A basal thermometer, ovulation predictor kits, speculum (optional… the speculum)
  • A good thermos
  • Hot water
  • A meat thermometer
  • Protective eyewear (cheap sunglasses will suffice)
  • Protective gloves (got any ski gloves?)
  • Some pillows
  • Some candles, wine, music or other romantic accoutrement (optional)
  • A towel
  • Some paper towels
  • A tray
  • A ridiculous and seemingly endless fount of patience

(Whew!) Read all the steps before you begin.

1. First, get to know your menstrual cycle well. This will take several months. Use fertility or Taking Charge of Your Fertility to figure out when you are ovulating. Read it carefully and be sure you know what you are doing before you spend any money on baby juice. Oh, and invest in ovulation predictor kits. Use them. They usually work.

2. Next, if you have the optional good health insurance, go to a reproductive endocrinoligist and get a fertility work-up. This will take one cycle. Be aware that she or he may tell you you have some issues. This step is totally optional, but I wish I had done it in the first place. For reals.

3. Next, ditch the RE.

4. When you feel secure in your understanding of your cycle, acquire sperm. Hopefully, you have found the source of your sperm while waiting the several months to figure out your cycle. Some sperm banks take quite a while to set up your account, so allow time for that and get it over with before you are ready to inseminate. My sperm bank takes two days to ship the baby juice from the time you order it. If you are using a known donor, let him know you’ll be needing his services soon.

4a. Inseminate when you get your first positive OPK, and again 8-10 hours later. The idea is that you should ovulate within 36 hours of the positive OPK. The frozen sperm lasts up to 24 hours. The fresh should last several days. So if you insem twice in the first ten hours, you’ll probably have sperm in you when the follicle releases the egg. If you don’t feel absolutely sure about that, you could extend it to 15 or 20 hours after, to make a bigger window of sperm. Window of sperm. Ha.

5. Set up a tray with paper towels, your thermos, and your syringe, and possibly a glass of water or green tea on it. Stack up some pillows near the center of your bed. Cover it with a towel.
The next few steps are for use with frozen sperm. Skip them if you have fresh stuff.

6. Heat some water to the exact temperature for thawing the sperm. (I believe it is 35 degrees Celcius, but check somewhere else… our sperm bank sent a paper with the temperature on it.) Measure the temp with your meat thermometer. Pour the heated water into the good thermos. Put a lid on it.

7. Take the sperm out of the liquid nitrogen tank. Put on your cheap sunglasses and your ski gloves first. Put the sperm vial into the heated thermos (keep it closed!) And let thaw for 10-15 minutes.

8. Snuggle with your honey or your teddy bear. Get yourself prepped for the insemination… as though you were having sex (or have sex… whichever you can.)

9. Once the thawing time is up, get the medicine syringe and extract the droplet of sperm from the teeny-tiny vial. I suggest you practice this beforehand with some other, far-less expensive liquid.

Ok, you can start reading again if you have fresh sperm. Put the fresh sperm into the syringe.

10. Lay back with your pelvis raised up on the pillow stack. You, or your partner, insert the baby juice syringe into your vagina. Get yourself worked up. Push the plunger. Try to have an orgasm. It is said to help the sperm get up inside you a bit further. Plus, it feels really good. Put the syringe onto the paper towel on the tray. Use extra paper towels to wipe the stanky stuff (I mean, baby juice) from your hands, if any got on.

11. Stay there propped up on the pillow stack for a while. We always stayed for at least fifteen minutes. I do know of people who rotated their bodies, like a chicken on a set-it-and-forget-it rotisserie. I prefer to sit still and snuggle and imagine the formation of our future child.

12. Clean everything well. Repeat steps 5-11 in 10 hours.

13. Spend the next two weeks trying not to obsess. Try to ignore every little twinge in your body. Good luck with that.

14. If this fails several times and you think you might die, call your RE back and read my archives. Get ready for trying to get pregnant at the doctor’s office! Hopefully, you will get pregnant the very first time and be spared lots and lots of drama and suckatude.

Disclaimer: I don’t claim to know what I am talking about. What works for some does not work for all. No. If it doesn’t work, I won’t pay for your lost sperm. My credit card is almost maxed out, honey. Sorry. Do read everything you can about this and get lots of opinions. This did work when my honey got pregnant. It did not work for me. Talk to your doctor. I wish you luck.

This post is dedicated to my good friend, DJ D Nice (or was it, DJ B Good?) and her future prodigy, Hurston. May you be bloated pregnant and suffering from sciatica quickly and without many two week waits.


Filed under LGBT, sperm shopping, TTC, Waiting and waiting and...