My sons have two different donors. Different donors, different biological mothers. In effect, they have no biological connection.
They are brothers, for sure. Cakie is learning everything he needs to know about how to be a child from his willing teacher, Cake. I don’t need to argue here at all about the fact that they are brothers. They are being raised by the same two parents in the same way in the same house.
One of them looks a little like Obama. The other resembles Desi Arnaz. One is a tall skinny muscular reed. The other is a truck. Despite my efforts in selecting a second donor, the boys do not look alike at all. One might argue that many biological siblings do not look alike. True. They do act alike in many ways. They have the same very very high energy level. They both love to play outside. Trucker is far more into trucks and balls than Cake ever was. Cake likes music and cooking and superheros.
I wonder what will happen when they learn that they have different donors? I worry that it might cheapen their bond. It may make them angry at us. As though we carried on some type of charade. Or that someone else will discredit their relationship as siblings. I worry, too, what will happen if either one tries to find their donor. Already, Cake has two donor siblings on the registry. Little girls. I haven’t paid the fee, so I have not contacted the parents yet. But I know they are there. And if Cake wants to find his donor and he cannot, I can offer up these half-sisters. There are no siblings on the registry for Truck. Could I pay the fee and put up a profile? Yes. Maybe that might make one come out of the woodwork. Maybe not. What if one of them has a donor who is willing to meet them or even have a relationship once they turn 18? While the other has a donor who has passed away, or worse, doesn’t even want to talk to him? I don’t worry about these things constantly or anything. They just, every once in a while, pop into my head.
When Cakie was conceived, there were no open donors. It wasn’t a thing the sperm banks had convinced anyone to do yet. So when it was time to choose a benefactor for Trucker’s egg, I also chose a closed donor. It did it on purpose. I signed a paper stating that I would not look for the donor. I did this knowing that the baby didn’t sign anything. And if either of them want to look, they will have my blessing. And if I happen to stumble across a photo of a man that is his race, his height, his weight, his age and has long curling eyelashes, while I’m randomly trolling California acting agency websites for no particular reason, so be it.
My biggest goal is to handle all of this with grace. I want to teach my kids that our family is one made from love. Love that is stronger than a spiral helix. It is like a triple-mega spiral helix made out of steel. Yeah. That sounds good.