The Donor Mark

My son has the likes-to-watch-sports gene.  He did not get this from me.

I don’t plan to point things like this out to my kids.  There’s this unspoken fear of the moment when we will need to address the fact of the donors in our kids lives.  There is also this urge to pretend since we don’t know who the donors are, that we can make them go away.  Part of me wants my honey and I to be the only important people in the creation of our kids.

The other part of me knows that the donors are important.  Not only are they important, but I feel like even though I don’t know their names or their adult faces, I feel like we live with them.  We know them better than we know our good friends.  I’m so glad for them.  I’m so glad for whatever circumstances lead to them walking in to the cryobank, filling out all of those forms, walking uncomfortably into a little room and producing for us the ingredient that would eventually become our sons.  I am confident that wherever he is, Trucker’s donor is either thinking about throwing or actually throwing a ball.  Cakie’s donor is charming someone at this very moment.  I’m sure of it.

The discomfort comes from knowing that the donors are a question mark.  Will the boys be driven to try to identify them?  If they do find them, will these men disappoint my sons?  Since I have two different donors, will the boys have two uncomfortably different experiences surrounding their donors?  I am sure that they will want to know them, even if we down-play their role.  Once they take a biology class and see the fruit flies and their eye colors,  once they read a study on identical twins, or venture into my grandfather’s meticulously researched geneology of his side of my family, they will want to know.

I know this.  But I wish I could take that donor question mark and stretch it straight into an exclamation point.  A sure statement, showing a strong emotion.

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6 Comments

Filed under family, IUI, LGBT, my second son, my son, sperm shopping, Trucker

6 responses to “The Donor Mark

  1. gus&otto

    Oh the donor question is such a challenging one! I’m also currently grappling with it. Although, we have a known donor who will play some sort of role in all of our kids’ lives (the one he helped to create and the two we adopted). I, too, wish we could just mesh our DNA and create offspring. There’s nothing more I would love to do than look into the face of a child and try to identify pieces of my Wifey. Before I actually got pregnant I was “donor!” Today I’m more on the side of “donor?” and where’s that carpet?

  2. this post, my friend, is poetry.

  3. Lyn

    Lovely post. I’m always glad when folks write openly about donor conception. I’m sure you’ve heard of it by now, but we just read the Colage DI guide and they did a great job with it. We felt like it was a nice heads up on conversations coming down the pike, and a good thing to leave around the house when the kids are old enough to read it themselves. They do very briefly address families where siblings have different donors.

  4. Amazing post! It’s a thought, fear and appreciation of mine as well.

  5. Kim

    Great post. I worry about the same thing all the time. My kids both have “known” donors and, like you, they have different Dads. My son is old enough to ask about it and he knows his “Daddy” lives in another state and that he visits sometime. He sort of idolizes him, which is super annoying. When asked about his family he always mentions his “Daddy” and never his other mom (we are split up), and that is hard too. I know it’s because at school he hears a lot about Mommy’s and Daddy’s and he is super glad he has one but…it’s just hard. And I also worry about how one day they will realize they aren’t full blood brother and sister.

    It’s so hard…I am rambling about my own issues with it and all I really meant to say is thanks for the post. It’s nice to know there are others out there who go through the same things. And when you figure it all out? Let us know. 🙂

  6. CD

    i have the same thoughts always, and since we are in the same boat as you (two diff. donors, two diff. gestational mothers), i feel that it is a bit of double-trouble. that new movie out makes me feel nervous about the future questions we’ll have to answer, and the feelings that may be hurt in the process.

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