Facebook Throwdown

Since I’ve obviously been suffering from writers’ block, I thought I’d share with you some facebook drama I’ve managed, yet again, to whip up.

Long story short, I have an ex-friend, to whom I shall refer as Homophobala, who decided after knowing me for 20 years and knowing I was gay for ten of those years, to tell me on the day I called to let her know I was going to be a mother that she had already decided not to be my friend anymore because of my “lifestyle.”  Wow.  Did I really just tell that whole story in one sentence?  Well, I’ve told it  a lot because it is one of the most maddening and dumbfounding things that has ever happened to me.  After the phone call, I sent her a letter telling her not to ever contact me again.

I hadn’t heard from her again, though I have occasionally day-dreamed about sending her the gown I wore as her bridesmaid with no note, but a heart cut out of the middle.  Of course, realizing how psycho that seems, I have kept my end of the deal and refrained from smashing up gifts that she has given me in the past and mailing them to her home.  See?  I’m totally sane.

But I clearly have yet to get over my anger.  She popped up on another friend’s facebook page.

My high school friend [let’s call her Betty] on whose page she popped up had posted this as her status:

Upping the ante in this “thanksgiving challenge” thing. Let’s make it a little more challenging. Consider something that you regret, resent, or are generally annoyed by, and find something to be thankful for in the situation ANYWAY! list it.

Then Homophobala posted:

I am sure there are lots of things I regret if I think about it for even a little while. I am thankful that I have learned from most of those experiences and they have come together to make me who I am today, and put me where I am today. I am thankful for this life and who I am sharing it with and all the love forgiveness and freedom that comes with my beliefs.

I happy for her that she has found forgiveness.  I can’t seem to.  Just from seeing her  tiny digital face, I was shaking with rage for about an hour.  I also posted this:

I’m always annoyed when people use religion as an excuse to be hateful.

But I am so thankful for the beautiful family God has given me.

I’m thankful for my loving partner.

I’m thankful for all of the accepting and loving people in my life.

I’m thankful that laws are turning in favor of my family.

And I’m thankful to God for giving me all of these things.

Then Betty of the status update posted this response:

Hey [ohm], I’m annoyed when people use religion as an excuse to be hateful too, and thankful for the opportunity it occasionally presents me, as a darn othodox Catholic, to “represent.” I could go on and on about this since, one incident, at the Plaza of the Americas at UF, campus preachers stood spewing the some of the most hateful stuff I’d heard, confirming everything that the angry (yet curious) atheist in me believed about Christians. That day, I was really ready to walk away and never give Christians another chance. I’d had enough, heard enough, seen enough. I was done. Thankfully, also that day, one kid, a Methodist kid who is now a really close friend, stood up to them. He asked them “what’s the greatest commandment?” The woman replied, “Love God with all your heart, mind, and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself.” He stood up and loudly asked, “Does anyone here feel loved by this woman?” and proceeded to move, with his friends, through the crowd and quietly talk about the Bible, not being pushy, not being judgey. I kept my distance but listened. That moment was the thin end of a wedge for me, realizing that not all Christians are on a mission to condemn people, I was willing to listen. Of course, it still took eight more years for God to get through to me — ha ha. BUT that moment on the plaza is the reason I don’t hesitate to tell people I’m a Christian, but also why I remember what St. Francis says, “Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words.” I’m thankful for you, my friend. :^)


And I responeded:

And I am glad for you, my dear orthodox Catholic friend, for loving me and God at the same time. 🙂 Kiss!

Homophobala has not responded.  I wish I could let go of this anger.  But I put so much of my heart into that girl.  She was one of my very best friends.  I constantly told her how smart and capable she was, since she had self-esteem issues.  I made her not skip class umpteen times.  I may be one of the only reasons she has a high school degree.  She was there when I converted to Judiasm.  I got to know each of her babies as they were born and got to watch her struggle with new motherhood.

Anybody have any advice about letting it go?  My honey says to just let it go.  Clearly it is deeper than that.  I think I’d feel better if I could punch her or something.



Filed under LGBT

5 responses to “Facebook Throwdown

  1. oh friend, this is my story, times bible belt, as well.

    the only things that have helped me are these:

    1. when i feel angry/rageful/rejected, lean hard into those who love me.

    2. bite my tongue when i am angry. facebook has opened the door to see the inner monologue of those we’d rather not see. the fire in me is stoked all.the.time. and i want to pick a fight, have my throwdown, and win that motherfucker.

    …but, in the end, the ones who have rejected me are on a path of their own, one that i hope leads to compassion. ‘letting it go’ in that moment is not egging them on.

    3. venting in safe places. there are certain ex-friends whose words can hurt me so badly that i question my “lifestyle”. when i express that hurt to h, on the blog, etc, sometimes it takes away the power of their words, and i don’t feel so emotionally bound to it/them anymore.

    holy hell, it’s a process, and i am so sorry that you are grieving this friendship. i’m also grateful that ‘betty’ got to give a beautiful monologue in the midst of the ugliness.

    if you ever want to talk about this more, you know where to find me.

    big love to your beautiful, God-blessed family. x

  2. vee

    I, too carry with me toxic rage at an ex-friend. If you do find a way to let go, do share. Punching just sounds so much more satisfying though!

  3. jay

    sigh. that is one of the many reasons that i hate facebook; the ever-possible cans of worms that may be opened. i send sympathies. in these situations(!) i just keep my head in the sand. useful, i know.

  4. Lo

    I’m not much of a let-goer. Sigh.

  5. gypsygrrl

    not much of a let-goer, either. in these cases…the hurt is so deep. as if they might as well condemn me because my eyes are green.

    sending you love and hugs to your awesome family and those who love and accept ALL of you 🙂


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