Baby Hogs

This a little follow-up to a post written by firsttimesecondtime, the link is in my last post.

I’m thinking about baby hogging.  While I was reading ftst’s post about how she’s a little afraid her personality might cause her to become that very same type of gestational parent  baby hog she often dislikes in other relationships, it made me think about personalities.  There are at least three personalities in a two-parent lesbian home.  Yours, your partner’s and the baby’s.  Much like ftst, I find myself grateful that my partner gave birth first, becuase I’m more emotionally needy that my honey.  My baby, surprise surprise, is a little needy, too.  At least at this moment.  Trucker is going through his stranger anxiety phase.  When Cakie went through this phase, a stranger was anyone but me or my honey.  For Trucker, a stanger is anyone but me —  me or Ms. Gigi at daycare.  If the roles had been reversed, I probably would have been crushed by the baby’s preference for his gestational parent.  I would have known intellectually that it is just a phase, but I would have taken it harder.  It may also be easier because Trucker is our second child, but my honey’s personality fits into this scenario quite well.  I give her the baby, he turns to me in distress, and she just looks at him and says, “Listen, I pay half the bills, change half the diapers, and put you to bed half the time. So you’re going to hang out with Mama now and you’re going to like it.”

I just feel lucky that our personaities match our roles right now.

That said, I’m not a baby hog in a I-want-the-baby-all-the-time way.  I am perfectly happy to leave Truck with A and take Cakie to the food coop for some less-urgent grocery shopping.  I like getting away from him both for time alone with Cakie or my honey and for some occasional time to myself.  It is only those times when he’s crying for me that I just want to take him away from whomever has him at the moment and hug him and make him feel safe.  Which is natural, I guess.  I also notice that if we are out as a family, I spend more time holding Trucker and A spends more time with Cakie.  This is probably partly because it is easier for both adults.  But I guess we should make a point to mix it up more often.

Does anyone else who has taken turns have any more insight into this baby hogging business?



Filed under family, My Book, my second son, my son, Uncategorized

4 responses to “Baby Hogs

  1. Amy

    our family is similar in that i am the more needy one and i carried our first baby which was a very good order for our personalities too. my wife tends to our 2nd more at home but it’s probably more my fault (she’s either feeding her or calming her) than her hogging the baby; but in public i would say i gravitate toward the baby more often and my wife “manages” our first because i’m with the bigger one more solo. don’t know if anything i’m saying is helpful but this was a great post topic, something very important for people to be discussing when on this journey!

  2. CJ

    Our family situation is a bit different. I came into the relationship with two children. However, with my twelve year old, he enjoys one on one time with both of us and has very different (but mostly equal) relationships with each of us. She is his buddy, his pal, his source for girl information. I am his mom, his protector, his sounding board, his advice giver. As for the four year old, she goes back and forth. Sometimes it’s a mom-day and sometimes, although not as often, it’s a Kiki-day. We have let the kids lead us on what type of relationship they have with each of us so their needs will be filled. We spend time as a family and we each spend time alone with each of the kids as well. But no matter what, you’re right, if one of them is hurting or crying, I immediately want them in my arms, on my lap and to heal their ailment….

  3. Lyn

    Thanks for the lovely response. I love your partner’s response to Trucker!

  4. Lo

    We have yet to fulfill our plans to take turns, but as you said, I think it’s good that C. went first because I am the needy one. Now that Jo is 16 months and able (and willing!!) to ask for me by name, plant a kiss on my face, and run to me and hug my legs, however…..a lot of that early need falls away.

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