Please Stroke My Ego… or Fight Fight Fight!

Ok, first I will admit that I’m feeling a little insecure because people are reading this here blog, but only a few wonderful folks have been commenting of late.  Did I do something wrong?  Did I push out my writing ability along with the afterbirth?  What up?

In a shameless attempt to get more attention/feedback I offer this question that will once again aid in the writing of my book, which I have actually resumed in earnest after a sixpointfive week maternity leave.  Oh right, the question:

If you have kids already, what did you and your partner fight about in the first few weeks home with the baby?  If you aren’t the types who actually fight (for example, my partner and I just get quietly mad,) what were the sources of tension for you?   Is there anything you think you could have done beforehand to avoid these fights?

If you are still TTC or are currently pregnant, what do you think you might fight about after the baby eventually decides to show up and rock your world?

Thanks in advance for your frank and multiple comments.  Hey, you can make me feel even better by making up fake identities and posting several comments.  That way your honey won’t know you’re airing your dirty laundry on my blog, even though it is for the good cause of strengthening future lesbian relationships everywhere.

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16 Comments

Filed under blogitty blog blog, gay marriage, My Book, Post partum

16 responses to “Please Stroke My Ego… or Fight Fight Fight!

  1. N

    Here, look, I’ll stop lurking, just because you asked. 😉

    We’re still TTC, and I have no idea what we’ll fight about. I’m sure we will — in our household, though, it’s one of those things where one person gets so tense that it’s usually something completely dumb that we argue over. Like perhaps socks…

  2. jay

    I swear I thought I commented on your last post!!

    OK so what will we fight about? I have no idea. Vee thinks we’ll fight about who’s the most tired or who’s working the hardest – she’s probably right!

    Right now we cannot agree on any boys’ names, only girls’ names. Does that count? Apart from that, there are the incoherent hormonal tussles that do not have reasons. I am sorry.

  3. reproducinggenius

    First, I haven’t been responding as much, but I’m nodding along and smiling in appropriate places and simply loving hearing about life with Cakie and Trucker. You’ve not lost it–I’ve just lost my time with the new semester starting.

    As for what I think we’ll fight about, here’s my best guess: I’m thinking we’ll likely fight when one of us feels the other has been insensitive. For example, I’ll probably make some comment about how my wife is caring for the baby, and it will come out all wrong, and she’ll be offended/hurt, will think that I’m really saying something about her value as a parent, and we’ll fight about that. In fact, this is something I worry about from time to time. In all honesty, I think we’ll have similar arguments to those we have now except that the subjects will change. I would love to think, though, that we’ll be so blissed out after having a baby that we’ll never fight again (HA!). How’s that for Pollyanna?

  4. erin

    I had a beautiful birth and a really horrible time after that- including extreme difficulties in breast feeding, depression etc. At two days postpartum my wifey said “I think you just need to get up, get out of bed, and go for a walk.” And yes, she had been there and done that, but had apparently forgotten the “Wow, I’ve been hit by a train” part of birth. Other than that we fight about my refusal to give up on breastfeeding, the fact that I don’t do as many chores (at home with a toddler and a baby!), and money and how clueless I am as to our financial situation. I nag her about helping me with the baby. Because she doesn’t have her hands full enough with the toddler who won’t let her out of her sight whenever she’s not at work. Sigh. I can’t even remember what we fought about before kids! Luckily though, there isn’t much fighting.

  5. BA

    De-lurking – sorry I don’t comment, but I don’t want you to feel like you have done something wrong or your writing sucks. The first few weeks of my baby being born are pretty much a haze and I can’t quite remember a lot of it. The only thing I remember fighting about is when I just lost it one day and started crying for no reason. My husband told me that I was “losing it” and I went off on him like I never have before. You just don’t tell a woman who’s a week post-partum (especially when she’s in severe pain from a complicated c-section) that she’s losing it. You just don’t. Now that’s his advice to any of his friends expecting new babies: don’t ever tell her she’s losing it – just take the baby and let her lose it. It’s totally normal and most definately will happen at some point.

  6. vee

    Well I couldn’t ignore a plea like that, could I, despite the fact that my wife to be had already aired all our possible future dirty laundry.

    I think we might fight about other people’s bad attitudes. I’m very reluctant to challenge people or cause a scene, but jay isn’t. If someone is dismissive of her role or overly nosy or rude about our family, I fear I may not be as supportive as I know I should and be frightened of challenging what I shouldn’t ignore.

  7. I’m fairly certain that we will have at least one fight (but probably multiple fights) about my mother’s lack of respect for our privacy and personal boundaries and my unwillingness to confront her about these issues.

  8. Kim

    When we had our son, my partner and I fought over some pretty big issues. I wanted to breastfeed, she didn’t want me to (I ended up pumping as a result). She didn’t want the baby to sleep in “our” room because it would suck the love out of our relationship. I ended up sleeping in the living room a lot. She wanted to feed the baby “solids” very early on (like 3 months giving him bites of bananas and fruits), and I wanted to wait until 6 months. Those were the big ones. But the underlying thing was that, as the birth mom, I went out of my way to make sure she too felt like a parent who got to make some of the big decisions. So I relented on a lot of things that I most likely wouldn’t have otherwise. I do regret some of that, but it was a tough terrain to go through. Still is…parenting is tough. Especially with different parenting styles. Can’t wait to read your book!

  9. amy

    good question! my wife and i both work from home and though i am suppose to be the primary care giver because i have my own consulting business where i “supposedly” have control of when and how much i work, i over commit and am therefore spread too thin. so, she winds up doing a whole lot more than she probably should during the day so i suspect some of our moments will occur if i don’t scale back when #2 arrives so that she can actually focus on her career during the day when her colleagues and clients are also working.

  10. Lo

    I think I’ve already told you this, but we fought about my insecurity as nonbio mom. Sigh.

  11. Travelher

    I’ve been reading along, but yes, have been quiet. I think we’ll argue (we rarely ‘fight’) about the same things as we do now: not enough sleep for my partner and she works to much in a job that requires her to travel M-TH. I think I’ll really have a hard time being a ‘single mom’ 4 days a week and could be resentful. We’ve already talked about that and she’s agreed to either work on local projects or change jobs entirely if it’s all too much.
    So, I think we’ll be OK. We’ll just be bitchy and sleep deprived, but one of us will make the other and lovely, strong cappuccino and we’ll be just fine!

  12. Wow. I should make shameless ego-stroke requests more often. Good stuff, ladies. Keep it coming. I guess, in the end what we all really need is an espresso machine. I’ll recommend people add it to their baby registries!

  13. four words: nursing school began again.
    i am reading and checking, tho not as often as i would like and barely commenting.

    *gypsy wuz here* <—in imitation of bri’s virtual graffiti idea

  14. boombababy

    ohhhhhh i’m sure we’ll fight about all the same things we fight about now. and then some. one things my wife worries a lot about is that i will judge the way she does things – or tell her how to do things instead of letting her figure it out on her own bc i have been a nanny for infants for over 15 years and i tend to use a lot of shortcuts. she hates it when i’m like, “oh it makes more sense to just do it this way…” (understandably).

  15. Like other folks have said (Lo), I had lots of insecurity as non-bio-mom during pregnancy, but we didn’t usually fight about it. We talked about it, a lot, and thought of lots of good strategies that actually ended up panning out after the birth, and probably saved us lots of further fights had I not been so open about what was going on.

    One thing we DID fight about before the birth was about my wife’s mother, more precisely, exactly when she would be coming after the baby was born. I wanted to have time to get to know our baby and to actually parent before I felt like I needed to “perform” for visiting family, and “prove” myself to them…particularly my wife’s family who might be more likely to perceive her as the “real” mom even if they didn’t intend to. I wanted my mother-in-law to wait for a week to come. My wife, god love her, totally got it, but it was still hard for her to ask her mom to stay away. She’s an only child. They are really close, sometimes too close. Some folks might think I shouldn’t have made such a “demand” and that my wife, as the birthing mom, should have gotten whatever she wanted so soon after the birth. Even our midwife was skeptical. I’m really grateful though, that my wife didn’t see it that way and eventually heard me on this. My MIL didn’t come for a week, and it was absolutely the right thing to do. By the time she came we were both acquainted with our daughter, and grateful for the help.

  16. Co

    Yeah, Lo’s comment.

    I also remember us fighting over trivial stuff like how warmly to dress the baby. Lo and I both felt better about this when we realized that we sometimes fight over whether or not the dog needs her sweater. I guess we’ve been parent-fighting longer than we’d thought.

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