I can retell my midwife appointment today in less than one word. Ready?
My honey came again. I was in the room with my two wives. Midwifey said, “Well, do you have any questions?”
Me: Yes! Where is he?
MW: Well, we know where he is.
My Honey: We just don’t know when we’ll see him.
Me: I can see why so many people freak out and ask to be induced. It is just so hard playing this guessing game. But I still don’t want to be induced!
MW: Do you want me to sweep your membranes today?
Me: Uhh (unchecked items on my nesting list pop into my head)… Let me think about it and answer you at the end of our talk.
MW: Ok… [asks usual questions]
MW: Let me measure you and take your blood pressure and we’ll talk about the sweep
So I measured at 39 weeks. Hello? My blood pressure was higher than usual. She told me to take it easy. Of course we went immediately to the new Ikea after the midwife and our lunch date, not unlike the last supper but with lesbian moms instead of Jesus and his buddies, but that’s another post… Then midwifey said she sways on the side of sweeping the membranes because we don’t want the guy to get too too much bigger. Yeah. He needs to come out through my vagi.na, so I hear you!
I told her to sweep. More because I’m afraid of going past the birthing center date than anything else. So she swept. It kind of hurt. Mostly because she pushed his body all into my ribs. Pain… I don’t think I quite know pain yet, so I can’t say it hurt too much.
When I asked her if it really works, she said, “Who knows?” When I asked her when he’s coming, she said, “I thought you were ready two weeks ago, so maybe you shouldn’t ask me!” “????????”
Why isn’t my midwife psychic? The nerve.
So. Sorry for rambling. I have a very important thing on my nesting list left to do involving a call to my insurance company. I’d like him to start coming soon. Hopefully, soon means after 9 am tomorrow, so I can call the insurance company as I should have done about two months ago. Then he can come.