Sweeping Up

I can retell my midwife appointment today in less than one word.  Ready?

“?”

My honey came again.  I was in the room with my two wives.  Midwifey said, “Well, do you have any questions?”

Me: Yes!  Where is he?

MW: Well, we know where he is.

My Honey: We just don’t know when we’ll see him.

Me: I can see why so many people freak out and ask to be induced.  It is just so hard playing this guessing game.  But I still don’t want to be induced!

MW: Do you want me to sweep your membranes today?

Me: Uhh (unchecked items on my nesting list pop into my head)… Let me think about it and answer you at the end of our talk.

MW: Ok… [asks usual questions]

MW: Let me measure you and take your blood pressure and we’ll talk about the sweep

So I measured at 39 weeks. Hello?  My blood pressure was higher than usual.  She told me to take it easy.  Of course we went immediately to the new Ikea after the midwife and our lunch date, not unlike the last supper but with lesbian moms instead of Jesus and his buddies, but that’s another post…  Then midwifey said she sways on the side of sweeping the membranes because we don’t want the guy to get too too much bigger.  Yeah.  He needs to come out through my vagi.na, so I hear you!

I told her to sweep.  More because I’m afraid of going past the birthing center date than anything else.  So she swept.  It kind of hurt.  Mostly because she pushed his body all into my ribs.  Pain… I don’t think I quite know pain yet, so I can’t say it hurt too much.

When I asked her if it really works, she said, “Who knows?”  When I asked her when he’s coming, she said, “I thought you were ready two weeks ago, so maybe you shouldn’t ask me!” “????????”

?

Why isn’t my midwife psychic? The nerve.

So. Sorry for rambling.  I have a very important thing on my nesting list left to do involving a call to my insurance company.  I’d like him to start coming soon.  Hopefully, soon means after 9 am tomorrow, so I can call the insurance company as I should have done about two months ago.  Then he can come.

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7 Comments

Filed under Third Trimester!?!

7 responses to “Sweeping Up

  1. Was that crazy to let her do that? Nelly says I need to channel my inner Ina May and enjoy the last few days of my pregnancy. I like that I might have an inner Ina May. Ohm.

  2. I hope he comes soon, but I also want to win the birthing pool. LOL. xo

  3. nethermeade

    Hmmm, tidying the membrances on the 7th . . . my guess of 7/8 is looking pretty good! Still, I’m gonna resist shouting at you on the phone and instead send lots of loving energy & wishes for a beautiful delivery, whenever it comes. Here’s a thought along the Nelly lines: wrap your arms around your belly, & dance your ass off to “Never Knew Love Like This Before.”

  4. nelly

    your baby is not too big to come out of your bits – you’re totally healthy, don’t have GD, not at your EDD and have only gained about 4 lbs your whole pg :). your midwife should know that. don’t let her dangle those silly carrots in your face….esp when you’re not wearing panties!

  5. She dangled the carrots in front of my whoo ha!

  6. A-hem.

    Since I’ve never heard of “sweeping the membranes,” I looked it up. This is from http://pregnancy.families.com/blog/sweeping-the-membranes:

    “The Cochrane Group assessed 22 studies about stripping the membranes to determine the overall safety of the procedure. The good news is that across all the studies analyzed, there did not appear to be an increase in the incidence of infections in either the mothers or babies when compared to the women who did not have the membranes stripped.

    Now for the bad news. It appears from all of the studies reviewed that the difference in terms of effectiveness is not statistically significant. This means that the group of women that had the membranes stripped did not have their babies much faster than the women who did not have the procedure. The group that did go into labor faster received something else in addition to the stripping of the membranes, either prostaglandin or pitocin. ”

    So, I can’t figure why it’s a good idea to do this. It sounds disturbing and meddlesome to me. Almost as disturbing as the phrase “ripening cervix.” If it gets too ripe, does it rot?

  7. Ew. Rotten cervix.

    I think it must have a placebo effect, perhaps? Maybe my midwife offered to do it because I was kvetching so much about not knowing when he’d come. When I googled it, I realized that she didn’t really do a full-on sweep. She was just in there for a few seconds… 30 at the most. And it didn’t hurt the way others have described it. It was more comfortable than a pap smear. So I’m just going to call it a nudge, rather than an induction. A little, “Hey kid, the door’s this way whenever you’re ready to leave!”

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