The Finish Line

Something in me feels like I’m coming to the end.

I can’t really envision anything past the next two cycles.

I don’t know what it means.   I’m not sure if it is a good thing or not.  I feel like I’m either going to get pregnant very soon or give up very soon.

I’m one of those girls who has always wanted to have a baby.  Just the other day I had a memory flash of my high school boyfriend suddenly saying to me out of the blue, “One day you’re going to be a very pretty pregnant lady.”  He meant waaaaay in the future, of course and not necessarily by his loins. (Seeing as we never went all the way and all.)  It was a very unusual thing for a boy of any unmarried age to say.  I haven’t forgotten it.

I have another memory from junior high school.  I went to a very small alternative private school.  There were fifty kids ages 3-16.  I was standing in the driveway with an adorable three-year-old girl.  I was swinging her around in circles.  She was giggling her little head off.   I knew —  I just knew at that moment that I needed to have my own child some day.  It was a feeling that filled every molecule of me.

I do have my own child.  I just haven’t had my own child.

I’m hoping I will.

If I don’t, I still do.



Filed under nothing at all, Waiting and waiting and...

6 responses to “The Finish Line

  1. jay

    I do hope you will too! In fact I *feel* you will, because we have this whole international twin deal going on, right?!

    HUGS to you in the meantime xx

  2. Well I hope you are coming to an end – a happy, pregnant end! Hang in there and don’t dwell on the dark side if you can help it. As jay said, a deal is a deal!

  3. You are absolutely right. A deal is a deal. If we have these twins…. don’t you think they should meet one day? I do.

    And considering the fact that Darth Vader is my father, I guess I’d better stay as far from the dark side as I am able.

  4. tbean

    I’m one of those girls too. I used to have dreams about pregnancy even when I was a teenager. Everyone thought I was a weirdo.
    Dreams do come true. You’ll get there. I’m hopeful.

  5. Co

    Originally, we decided I would do 6 cycles with the R.E. and then stop and reassess. At the end of those cycles, I could choose to continue TTC or I could choose to stop entirely. I was really quite miserable TTCing via the medicalized route, so I liked feeling like there was an end in sight, even if I didn’t get pg. I got pg so that was my end, and I really hope that’s your end, too, and vee and jay’s end and everyone’s end who wants to be pg. But I can understand how knowing there will be a finish line, no matter what, can help. The “Will I EVER get pg?” thing and the constant effort of TTC can really weigh o ya.

  6. We agree they should meet! And they will meet. We’ll make them. You go, girl! xx

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