To Her Hands:
I am writing to let you know that we are feeling a little harrassed by you. You have to understand that grabbing at us every five seconds is not going to make her any more pregnant than she already is or is not. Have you considered that your constant grabbing and checking to make sure that we still hurt might actually be making us sore? Yes, it is true that she never had this fake symptom so early in the game. Thus we were all-the-more unprepared for your constant probing and squishing. We usually brace ourselves around day 8 and put up with you until Aunt Flo comes on day 12. Have you also thought about the fact that her pumping herself up with drugs for eight days in a row might also have something to do with it? You should have heard ole’ belly complaining about you guys that week. She wouldn’t stop the whining. Anyway, we don’t mean to whine or bellyache. We just kindly request that you have a little more patience and self-restraint. We will all find out the verdict soon enough. In the meantime please keep yourselves to yourselves.
Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter. We hope that you will cooperate so we do not have to contact our legal counsel.