Talking to God in the Bathtub

I thought this is what I was supposed to do.
God? Isn’t this baby why I’m here? You say it. Even the scientists say it. If not the baby, why am I here? Am I just supposed to be a mom to Cake? Am I supposed to be a mom to a baby I don’t carry? Give me a sign.

The thing about signs from God is, one never knows which thing is the sign. I mean, I guess if a burning bush started speaking to me, I’d take that one for sure. But I’ve been looking for my sign ever since my epsom salt soaking discussion with the spirit in the sky. On the train to fetch my computer from the Apple Store where it has been captive for two days –long story–a solitary grape rolled up to me. Ok. This is a long-shot for a sign, I know. When I briefly lived in Costa Rica, I enjoyed a certain beach called Punta Uva. It literally means “Grape Point.” I always thought of it as “pointy ovary.” Maybe the one grape on the F train floor means that the future kids I’ve been thinking of as “the twins” will in fact be a single embryo.  Maybe it means that the child will come from my ovary and not an adoption agency, or non-existence.  Or maybe it means someone lost part of a fruit salad.

This is what I know for sure.  Tomorrow, the first day back at work sans students, I will get up at 5 am and get on the train to Dr. Mug’s office for a day 3 ultrasound and blood test.  Then I will sneak into my school late where the other teachers will be having coffee and bagels and hopefully not-yet listening to my boss give her back-to-the-grind speech.   Tomorrow night I will take my first injection.  My doctor’s office is going to give me a note saying that I am having treatments that need to be monitored.  It will be vague, so I don’t have to tell my boss I’m trying to get knocked up.  I’ve decided that if I hate this injectionable cycle and it doesn’t work, next month will be my back to nature cycle complete with acupuncture and possibly hypnosis.  I can’t really wrap my head around two injectionable cycles in a row.  So I won’t.

I’m still looking for signs.  When our lesbian lawyer was here tonight executing our wills, she went into a long rant about how the only way she believes you can find success is perserverence.  She was talking about her sister finding a partner.  It felt to me like a pep talk from a TTC coach.  Hey!  There should be TTC doulas.  I needed a pep talk.  I hope I get to the Dr’s office first tomorrow, that’s all I’ve got to say.  Maybe I should leave at 4 am.  Maybe I should leave now.

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9 Comments

Filed under the big guns, TTC, Uncategorized

9 responses to “Talking to God in the Bathtub

  1. TTC doula? Hey I think you are on to something big here!

    I think you have the right idea about taking it one cycle at a time. Maybe you will only have to do the injectables once and your dreams will come true. It can happen.

    Dr. Mug knows what he is doing. He is one of the best.

    Good luck! I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you.

  2. Waaait a minute… “Isn’t this baby why I’m here?” I’m not sure I get that one.

    Sweetie, I’m worried about you. You do need to remember to value yourself for YOURSELF, not just as a potential biological mother, or even a mother to Cakie. I know how much you want to give birth to a child, but you know what? You will still be a kick-ass awesome person whether you do so or not.

    You will keep trying, and most likely have this baby. But you will also find lots of other means of fulfillment in your life, okay?

  3. I think everyone TTCing should have a “coach”. I’m sorry that you are questioning your fate, but I guess you need to keep believing that your life will be complete no matter what happens.
    Good luck with the u/s.

  4. Go team, go! You can do it!

    Good luck with the injectionable tonight.

  5. I don’t have all of my self-worth wrapped up in motherhood. I simply have had a biological clock ticking since I was in junior high. Why would nature do that to me, if I wasn’t meant to give birth?

  6. alli k

    Nature can be cruel. Here’s hoping that modern science will kick nature’s ass!

  7. alli k

    Oh, and I TOTALLY agree with the other folks who said you are onto something with the TTC coach/doula thing. Definitely a market there.

  8. That’s it. I’m quitting my day job.

  9. It’s a relief to hear someone else ask that question. I don’t think it’s crazy. I keep wondering why the hell I’ve been bleeding every month since I was 11 if I can’t give birth to a biological child. I’m coming– very slowly– to accept that it will have to happen another way for me, but not being able to make sense of my body is, to say the least, disorienting.

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