I thought this is what I was supposed to do.
God? Isn’t this baby why I’m here? You say it. Even the scientists say it. If not the baby, why am I here? Am I just supposed to be a mom to Cake? Am I supposed to be a mom to a baby I don’t carry? Give me a sign.
The thing about signs from God is, one never knows which thing is the sign. I mean, I guess if a burning bush started speaking to me, I’d take that one for sure. But I’ve been looking for my sign ever since my epsom salt soaking discussion with the spirit in the sky. On the train to fetch my computer from the Apple Store where it has been captive for two days –long story–a solitary grape rolled up to me. Ok. This is a long-shot for a sign, I know. When I briefly lived in Costa Rica, I enjoyed a certain beach called Punta Uva. It literally means “Grape Point.” I always thought of it as “pointy ovary.” Maybe the one grape on the F train floor means that the future kids I’ve been thinking of as “the twins” will in fact be a single embryo. Maybe it means that the child will come from my ovary and not an adoption agency, or non-existence. Or maybe it means someone lost part of a fruit salad.
This is what I know for sure. Tomorrow, the first day back at work sans students, I will get up at 5 am and get on the train to Dr. Mug’s office for a day 3 ultrasound and blood test. Then I will sneak into my school late where the other teachers will be having coffee and bagels and hopefully not-yet listening to my boss give her back-to-the-grind speech. Tomorrow night I will take my first injection. My doctor’s office is going to give me a note saying that I am having treatments that need to be monitored. It will be vague, so I don’t have to tell my boss I’m trying to get knocked up. I’ve decided that if I hate this injectionable cycle and it doesn’t work, next month will be my back to nature cycle complete with acupuncture and possibly hypnosis. I can’t really wrap my head around two injectionable cycles in a row. So I won’t.
I’m still looking for signs. When our lesbian lawyer was here tonight executing our wills, she went into a long rant about how the only way she believes you can find success is perserverence. She was talking about her sister finding a partner. It felt to me like a pep talk from a TTC coach. Hey! There should be TTC doulas. I needed a pep talk. I hope I get to the Dr’s office first tomorrow, that’s all I’ve got to say. Maybe I should leave at 4 am. Maybe I should leave now.