Recollected in Tranquility

My AP English teacher made us memorize this quote by William Wordsworth, “All good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful emotions recollected in tranquility.”  Which is why I didn’t post to my blog yesterday, the day of my results visit with Dr. Mug.

Now that I’m more tranquil, I’ll write something.  The news is not horrible, but I was in a bit of a state last night.  The powerful emotions were overflowing all over the place.

I couldn’t sleep on Sunday night, because I went crazy and drank a Coke in the middle of the afternoon at the school fair.  Then Cakie decided to wake up at 5:30 am.  Monday in my classroom was “New Amsterdam Day.”  It is one of my favorite events, but one for which I need a lot of energy.  The students and I go into our time machine back 350 years, we dress up as Dutch settlers, we make butter, do art activites, play “nine pins” and decorate the room to look like New Amsterdam.  This year, I even had my good friend J, who is a staff developer and teacher, dress up like Peter Stuyvesant and visit my kids.  I love J, but I was  a little nervous about having him visit my classroom, since he’s one of those people who seem to be excellent at everything he does.  I have my good moments, but also many half-assed ones.  J was a hit, and despite having very little sleep I didn’t lose my temper the whole day.  When I finally headed for the door at dismissal, I just wanted to plop myself down on my bed.  I was dog tired.  But I had to go on the subway to Manhattan.

By the time I got to Dr. Mug’s office, I had lost all sense of decorum.  I was dressed like a Dutch settler (I took off the paper-towel bonnet and my pillow-case apron, but I still looked like I should be milking a cow.)  I was soooo tired.  I actually broke one of my own cardinal rules.  I whipped out my cell phone in the waiting room and called J to thank him for his visit.  I stayed on the phone with J for quite some time.  Rude!  I was so rude.  If anyone reading this happened to be at a certain RE’s office on the almost upper-west side yesterday and there was a milkmaid on a cellphone yapping (as quietly as she could) about teaching English Language Learners, that was me.  I apologize.  I was not myself.

When I finally got to see Dr. Mug, I was a wreck.  I mean, I was almost a wreck.

Dr. Mug told me that all of my hormone levels were normal and fine, even my testosterone level.  I don’t carry the gene for cycstic fibrosis.  I don’t have any horrible communicable diseases.  There’s just one thing… my eggs are getting old.  He showed me the results of one test that sounded like Melanin. It was 0.4.  He said that usually if the results are lower than 1, that indicates some ovarian decline.

Now, I am a very healthy person.  The only real health problems I’ve ever had have been cavaties.  Plus I’m a big optomistic Pollyanna.  So, I was a bit upset to hear that my reproductive system was not a perfect pink little ball of  baby-making magic.  Dr. Mug said that it does not mean that I am infertile.  It just means that we need to get started, and I’ll most likely be able to have children.  He was very Pollyanna-ish himself, but I felt like I was falling off a cliff.  To a rational person who had had some sleep the night before, it probably would not have been a very big deal.  I got a little teary-eyed.  The doctor said it probably won’t have to go as far as IVF or anything.  I may not even have to take Clomid again, but he wants to try injectionables.

I guess the hard part for me, was that I had to revisit my idea of how long I’m willing to do this and when I would give up.  I had told myself initially that I would try for one year, and if it didn’t happen, I’d stop.  I do already have a child.  I am a mom already.  I have since then revised my schedule from “a year” to 12 tries.  Since I didn’t know I’d be taking so many months off between tries.   So that leaves me wth six more tries.  I’m half-way to my self-imposed end point.  I think I need to stop thinking of it this way.  But I also think that 6 tries is a lot.  I can’t actually imagine trying six more whole times.  I have imposed this end point, so I can always give myself an extension, if need be.  (Don’t worry, mom.)

When I got home, Cakie was very happy to see me, and I him.  After a good cry and a while later, when I went to read him a book, I said, “Oye” as I tried to back myself on to the glider.  Then Cakie said, “Oye.”  A and I laughed.  That baby is mine.  This other baby will probably come at some point in the next two years, as well.  All I need is one good egg.



Filed under my hon, my son, teaching, TTC

6 responses to “Recollected in Tranquility

  1. Lo

    oooh I’m sorry there was hard news. But if he’s optimistic, you should be optimistic.

    Co did injectibles (that was our cycle that worked!!) and we can give you all the info we have.

    Depending on your insurance and your drug-related needs we might be able to give you even more than info.

  2. Co

    I’m sorry the news wasn’t all good. But you do have eggs and your hormone levels are good, which means you ovulate. And the fact that your R.E. is optimistic about you getting pg is good.

    As far as setting limits for yourself, I think limits can be good. I decided I would try 6 times and then reevaluate if I wanted to keep trying. In between, I took a break if I needed it. Knowing there is an end in sight can be a good thing. But you do need to give yourself the option to reevaluate that if you need to.

    How do you feel about moving straight to injectibles with IUI? Would your R.E. be willing to do a couple of IUIs that are natural cycles or with Clomid or Femara first, if you preferred? I’m not making assumptions about what you prefer, but some R.E.’s, like mine, get very aggressive very fast. Aggressive may be exactly what you want cuz you may have the attitude, “I just want to be pregnant.” But if not, you should know that you have a right to do what you’re comfortable with or even try a different clinic.

    Before making a decision, I urge you get the scoop on injectibles. You can feel free to ask me or reread my posts about my injectibles IUI (Feb. 2007).

    Here’s my recommendation to you. (Apologies if you’ve already considered any of this.)

    Find out what injectibles your R.E. would prescribe for an IUI and make sure your insurance will cover them. They can run hundreds or even thousands of dollars and insurance companies don’t always cover injectible infertility meds. My insurance covered my injectibles (although the copay was several hundred dollars), but I had to register with a special mail-order pharmacy and have my R.E. fax the scrips there. So, get that scoop.

    Then the other stuff. Ask what the side effects are. Ask what the risks of multiples are (ask specifically about twins and higher-order multiples). Bring up the words “selective reduction” and see what Dr. Mug says about it and have a very honest discussion with your partner and with yourself about how you’d feel if, God forbid, you had to make that choice if you found out you were pregnant with 3 or more embryos. (For the record, this is not a given. I had 4 or 5 mature eggs during my injectibles IUI and only one of them implanted. His name is Flipper. But you want to do your soul-searching about this before you start a cycle, not during one like I did.) Find out how many mature eggs would cause your R.E. to cancel an injectibles IUI cycle. Ask about the risks of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome and fluid in the abdomen. Ask about the protocol for an injectibles IUI, e.g. how often will you have to go in for bloodwork and ultrasounds? (You will need to go in a lot more frequently that you would if you did a natural cycle IUI or a Clomid IUI.) Ask what other medications your R.E. would expect you to use… a trigger shot to trigger ovulation? progesterone supplements? (My hormone levels were great and my R.E. prescribed progesterone for me anyway, for example. I hated the progesterone the first time I took it. But, I am a big fan of the trigger shot.) What are the risks and side effects of those?

    I don’t mean to scare you. There’s a lot to recommend injectibles. It’s what got me pregnant. I am so thankful I did them. And unlike with Clomid, there is no proven ovarian cancer link. Also unlike with Clomid, you have a lot more control during an injectibles cycle. With Clomid you pop the pills, hope they work and find out a week later. With injectibles, you find out how they’re working early on and then have your dosage adjusted up or down to try to give you a good outcome. You also typically get more and better quality eggs out of it. If you’re getting 4 or 5 eggs in a cycle, yes, you increase your risk of multiples. But you also increase your chance to get pregnant. You can think of every egg as a chance to get pg.

    Okay, that is a really long comment. I feel kind of passionately about informing people about injectibles IUIs in advance because I kind of wasn’t prepared for mine. Although I don’t regret it either.

  3. Just wanted to pop in because I have also experienced the devestation of being told that my ovaries might be shitting the bed. I’ve never heard of the test that your doctor mentions (I did a quick, informal Google search & didn’t come up with anything that looked relevant); it might be worth knowing if your LH was tested in your hormone panel. Most likely it was, but my research indicates that this is one of the red flags that signal Diminished Ovarian Reserve. A level over 10 (mine was 11.3) was a signal to my doctor that further testing. Had I not gotten pregnant (via an old fashioned iui w/ clomid & met), on day 3 of my next cycle, I would have had a relatively new test that would check my Inhibin B levels. Apparently this more closely correlates to ovarian function. ANYWAY, all this to say that a) there are certainly other tests out there to more closesly monitor & more accurately check the state of your ovaries & eggs and b) pregnancy can happen regardless!

    It is truly amazing the education one receives in the classroom of TTC.

  4. I’m sorry to hear about the ‘old eggs.’ (Also I am thinking if yours are old, mine must be ancient!) I know the news was upsetting and that I’m not a doctor, but it seems like this is a smaller problem in light of the many positive things the tests revealed. I hope you are able to keep your Pollyana-ish outlook. Let me know if there’s any especially bolstering thing that I can do to help.

  5. Wow, Co. I’m going to have to print that one out! Thanks everybody for all of your help and encouraging words.

    We’ll start this cycle natural. Hopefully it will work and I won’t have to do any of that other crazy stuff.
    Keep your fingers crossed for that good egg.


  6. G

    I’m glad to hear that your hormone levels are normal and your doc is optimistic. The other test he did sounds like the Anti-mullerian hormone test. H had that done and we had to look it up. But her RE nurse also said that it just means that we’ll probably be using drugs to help her get preggers (assuming we work out the issues w/ our donor). If you plug in AMH or the full term on Dr. Google you’ll get the right results some useful and a lot that is not.

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