Why Pregnancy? Indeed.

I want to tip my hat to Trista, who has got me to thinking… why do I want to get pregnant anyway? Why does my abdomen feel like a member of fight club and why is the first thing I kiss in the morning a pink thermometer, rather than my honey?

As a child of then-hippies, I had access to pretty realisitic books meant to enlighten me about my body. One look at the picture of the woman pushing out a baby made me an adoption advocate. I would tell anyone who would listen that I hoped to adopt one day because having a baby is disgusting.

Why do I want to do such a disgusting thing now?

1. For one thing, I am fascinated by genetic links. Will my biological child look like me? Will she have red hair, even though the donor will be bi-racial? Will he have my brother’s nose? My mom’s talent for loosing her keys? (I inhereted that one, too.) A big egocentric part of me wants a little more of me in the world.

2. Adoption is hard. I mean, it doesn’t make one’s abodomen sore, as far as I know. But I’m pretty sure that to adopt internationally would mean I would have to lie about my relationship. To adopt domestically would most likely mean an open adoption which for some reason seems entirely too complicated. Adopting would also mean that I’d have to take out a third mortgage on the apartment. The worst of it, though, would be that time period in which the birth parents can change their minds. I can’t even fathom that situation. Hats off to all of the adoptive parents who have gone through it or are going through it and have lived to tell the tale.

3. I want all of those tampons I’ve been using for the past 21 years to actually mean something. I’m a woman, damnit. I get cramps and bitchiness. I don’t want that to have all been for naught.

4. Like Trista, I want to feel special. It is true. I want a baby shower. I want to be that obnoxious belly-rubbing pregnant lady. I want the occasional seat offered to me on the subway. I want to grab my honey’s hand as she’s falling asleep and put it right where the baby is kicking.
I have wanted to be pregnant for so long. It is a little sad, how long I’ve wanted it. I have a feeling I’ll get what I want.

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3 Comments

Filed under LGBT, my hon, TTC

3 responses to “Why Pregnancy? Indeed.

  1. A good friend, also raised by free-wheeling types, attended a church (unitarian) where sex education topics were openly discussed during Sunday school. One day her teacher told them about ‘How a baby can be made anywhere – even on the kitchen table.’ The image that sprang to mind scarred her for many years, leaping unbidden into her mind at random moments.

  2. Thanks for the shout out. I forgot to mention my fascination with genetic links, too. The one thing that comforts me, though, is the fact that my niece looks a bit like her mom (my sister-in-law) but a WHOLE lot like me. In fact, pictures of me when I’m 2 and her when she was 2 are hard to tell apart except for the clothes. So, I guess if I never get pregnant, I do still have that little bit more of me in the world. I don’t know all of your fertility journey, but I have to believe that it will work for you.

  3. S.

    I felt/feel very much as you do, while A. never has, which why I’m the designated breeder in our marriage.

    On open adoption: We have a known donor and live in a state with second-parent adoption, so we have half of an open adoption. Uncle Donor has been my friend for over a decade, and known A. since I met her (before we were together) so the period before the adoption was finalized wasn’t really truly fraught with peril, but in my post-partum imagination it was.

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